Pet names come in two varieties. First, are
pet names for your, well, pets. See cat
names and dog names for
this kind. Second, are pet names that are affectionate names
that people call each other. For instance, one partner in
a marriage may call another one snookums, honey bunny or
This must be stopped at all costs! Forget the fact
that pet names water down the language, which is
hard enough for a nation of immigrants to grasp
in the first place. Forget that many pet names involve
made up words that are an assault to the English
language and linguists everywhere.
And, forget your own inclination and propensity
to want to propel and hurl a special pet name upon
your loved one at the most inopportune of times.
Forget about all of this, my friend. What is important
here is that pet names connect us to pets. And, by just
about everyone's definition, we are better than pets. Man
is sovereign over animals. There, I've said it. It has been
this way since the beginning of time. And, since humans
have dominion over animals, we should not in any way use
pet names for humans.
It is a disgrace, an outrage and a downright blasphemous
use of the language to disrespect one another in this manner.
Oh, no, my friend. Let's not delve into the evolutionary
depths that propounding pet names will propel us. Let us
not, snuggly wuggly one another and coochie coo to another
adult as if he or she were a baby.
This is not acceptable on so many levels. What is acceptable,
however, is to show one other respect as adults. We need
to get in the habit of calling each other sir and ma'am
or miss as the case may be, and yes I mean even to your
spouse, love monkey or domestic partner.
Now, since this is such a hot button issue that makes me,
personally, not underneath the collar, I have assembled
two lists that outline acceptable pet names and unacceptable
pet names. I'm sure you'll agree that the vast difference
between the two lists show us that we dare not delve into
the degradation and alienation that comes with using the
pet names on the unacceptable list. So, look but don't touch
or use. This is for educational purposes only and should
not be uttered under penalty of law.
Acceptable Pet Names
Doctor of Philosophy
Master of Business Administration
Unacceptable Pet Names
Hunk O' Burning Love
Lovie Dovie Bear
The meaning behind the unacceptable pet names are mostly
squishy lovey-dovey feelings of closeness and intimacy,
which is the enemy of purity of language. Now, an occasional
blurt of a pet name, say on a five year anniversary is marginally
acceptable. But, make no mistake that the meanings of these
names can be stated without consecrating these nouns upon
the devil's playground. It is a slippery slope, my friend,
and you are wearing banana peel skis.